Story #2185

SDS G related us privates’ appearances pretty creatively. The first day in our bay, we were toeing the line while he made his way down the entire platoon commenting on how ugly we all were, declaring that one private was so fat that the back of his neck looked like “a pack of raw hot dogs,” and that one fat ginger was “more cheeto than human.” He came to PVT C and decided that not only he did resemble “a test tube baby gone wrong,” but also a minion from the movie Despicable Me. From then on just about every time SDS G addressed us, he would conclude with “you got that minion?” directed toward PVT C. It began to go a little deeper than that as the cycle went on. One day at the range SDS G hurried up to our formation with a big smile on his face and something in his hand. He found PVT C and produced a small stuffed minion doll. PVT C was then given the following orders: that whenever he was in ACU’s, he would have to have the minion in his right cargo pocket, and when he was out of ACU’s, that the minion be neatly tucked in beneath the sheets on his bunk. He also named the doll “Natalia,” and would ask at least 5 times a day, “where’s Natalia private?! Let me see her!” PVT C would then have to hold up his companion in front of the formation and loudly assure the entire company that she was in good health. On more than one occasion SDS G would accuse PVT C of fornicating with the doll; claiming that he had cut a hole in it, lined the hole with a plastic bag and lubed it up with CLP before doing unspeakable things with it. For this reason, PVT C was made to wash Natalia fairly frequently. When the cycle ended, SDS G took Natalia back and promised that she would be passed on to the next group of privates, which makes me think of who has Natalia now, and just how many half-jacks will be done when that private neglects to tuck Natalia in or forgets her in his ACU pocket. Half-jacks. SDS G liked those.

Fort Benning